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Hippie Willie

Joke of the day

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A plane has five passengers on board: Donald Trump, the Pope, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Nancy Pelosi, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there is only four parachutes.

Dr Fauci, said “I need one, I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He straps on a parachute and jumps.

The pope said “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.

Pelosi said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest woman in the United States.” she takes one and jumps.

President Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the 10-year-old. After a deep sigh, he says tenderly, "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting".

The child replies, "Don’t worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest woman in the United States took my school backpack.

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Subject: Boffin's: Beer....



"Sometimes, when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.”

Babe Ruth

 

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

Paul Horning

 

 

"24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case.     Coincidence?  I think not!”

H. L. Mencken

 

 

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.     When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.  So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.”

George Bernard Shaw

 

 

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

Benjamin Franklin

 

 

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,  But the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

Dave Barry

 

 

“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.”

W. C. Fields

 

“Remember ‘I’ before ‘E,’ except in Budweiser.”

Professor Irwin Corey

 

 

“To some it is a six-pack. To me, it is a Support Group.  Salvation in a can.”

Leo Durocher

 

 

One night at Cheers , a TV Sitcom,  Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson: "Well, ya see, Normmy, it's like this ... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Its Tax  Time down under

 

At the end of the tax year, the ATO sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.


While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of
the hospital and said: "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine
there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"


"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them
back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a
free roll."

"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready
to be critical. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you
do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising
to the challenge. "We save that too, and send it back to the
manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the auditor, who also
fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains
from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.

What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax
office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

 

Regards Pete

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TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS

 



Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out....

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana

2. Dresser

3. Grammar

4. Potato

5. Revive

6. Uneven

7. Assess

Give it another try....

Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the

Answer. This is so cool.....


REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS

NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters...

Answer is below!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 


 


 



Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

Did you figure it out?

No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well.

Then, you'll feel better too.....

 

 

Regards Pete

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The corona virus lockdown,  I'm  Guessing  has been a blessing with having been confined with my wife for all these months, It has given her the  time to confront me with all the things I have done wrong for the last 30 years !!. May we all receive such a blessing ?

Regards Pete

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Having some states lock down & others open is about as sensible as having a peeing section in a swimming pool !

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Hey Pete, if this goes on much longer I think I will end up liking my old gal.

"gene"

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You know Guys , my wife Ellen recons going through this  is  like living between a rock & wanting to hit someone with it!

Regards Pete

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I have noticed that in these last few months it is  stupidity that  travels faster than any virus can on this planet.

 Regards Pete

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I was just wondering if anyone knows when the  Pandemic  Social Distancing restrictions  might be ending ,that way I might be able to convince Ellie to let me back in the house.!

Regards Pete

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I just found out that the coronavirus toilet paper mystery is:  When one person sneezes : ten other people crap their pants

Regards Pete

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My wife asked me if I knew the difference between a Battery & a man ? ,  I said No  !. Her reply was that at least a battery has a positive side .

Regards Pete

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Posted (edited)

Do you have trouble sleeping?  I just found this site. (First off, I have good internet ) I let it run all night last night and it's the first good night of sleep that I've had in probably ... years.  I have awakened in the past every night thinking of the things I need to do, should have done and regretted doing in my life.  The evil one tries  to  discourage me but this  utube sure did soothe my subconscious. Fluff your pillow and try it.  There are several different speakers so give more than one a chance. One voice I don't care for, but several are very soothing.  It's called Abide.. I like the speaker at 4:20 :00- The screen is dark at that time too so no flashing in the room. When there is  a picture, it is usually soft nature.     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAfCasdVav0

 

 EDIT: POSTED UNDER THE WRONG AREA.. THIS IS NOT A JOKE 

Edited by bordercollie
wrong category
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57 minutes ago, bordercollie said:

Do you have trouble sleeping?  I just found this site. (First off, I have good internet ) I let it run all night last night and it's the first good night of sleep that I've had in probably ... years.  I have awakened in the past every night thinking of the things I need to do, should have done and regretted doing in my life.  The evil one tries  to  discourage me but this  utube sure did soothe my subconscious. Fluff your pillow and try it.  There are several different speakers so give more than one a chance. One voice I don't care for, but several are very soothing.  It's called Abide.. I like the speaker at 4:20 :00- The screen is dark at that time too so no flashing in the room. When there is  a picture, it is usually soft nature.     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAfCasdVav0

Judy...Yes, that is a most soothing video, for sure. The night is always the time for any mind racing about what we need to do or misgivings of any kind....I would think it is because we finally have total peace and quiet and  time to just think    And  not always is that a totally good thing!!! Even silly stuff...the other night in bed I was actually trying to think of all the names of the 12 kids from a family in our elementary school when I was in the 6th grade...how stupid was that? I was determined to try to remember and ended up with an awful case of insomnia. A video like this one you posted keeps the mind OFF of stuff such as all the silly, the bad/worrisome, and the many pressing things of life. Thanks...did you mean to post it under "Joke of the Day"? I assume was just a mistake.

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Oh yes , the posting area was a mistake !!!!!!!!  Thank you for letting me know  I need to move it or maybe delete and restart  it elsewhere.  It's much too helpful to me and hopefully others,  to consider it a joke.

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Getting old!!  Three things I have noticed :

                        1). I only use my favorite whiskey shot glass to take my morning pills anymore.

                         2). When I am outside and keep smelling dog crap, to check my shoes, I have to sit down and take my shoe off just to look at the sole.

                        3).   I'll get back to you when I remember what it was.

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An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new

Procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate,

take a deep breath and say,'99'.

The old guy obeys and says, "99".

 

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again,

while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,'99".

 

Again, the old guy says,'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.

 

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

 

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going

to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

 

Now take a deep breath and say,'99'.

 

The old guy begins, "One...

                                two…

                        three…"

 

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Saw this somewhere.

Guy walks into a bar and sits down. He notices that he is sitting next to AOC. The 11 o'clock news is on the TV behind the bar, and on it is a news story of a guy that is going to jump from a bridge.

They guy looks over at AOC and says, "I'll bet you $50.00 that guy jumps."

She replies, "I'll take that bet."

The guy jumps.

She hands the guy the $50.00 and concedes that he won fair and square.

He says to her, "Look I kind of cheated. I saw this on the 5 o'clock news earlier so I knew what would happen."

She says, "That's OK, I saw it earlier also, but didn't think he would do it a second time."

 

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Disclaimer: All photographs uploaded here were taken for my own use. You do not see any weeds. It is your imagination.

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