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Rajun Gardener

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So I was at the bar last night and a waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?"
I said, "heck yeah, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed.... well, everyone except one guy.

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LOL.....my grandmother eventually used very long tongs to pick up things she dropped. She had a major back surgery when she was 80 so definitely was the only way to go.

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Q: Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?
A: A three peas suit.

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Saturday morning farmer joe wakes his 7-year-old son. " Get up boy, we're going to town to get some supplies!" We got to get stuff to build a chicken coop. So into town they go. Joe parks in front of the hardware store. " Son, I got to go in here and get a few things. While I'm doing that, you walk down to the lumber yard and order us 100 2x4s." Tha boy is bust'n his breaches with pride 'cause he gets to order the lumber. Lumber salesperson: "can I help you son?" "yes sir, I needs me 100 2x4s!" "Well how long do you need them?" Scratching head "Mister, we's build'n us a chicken coop. We's gonna needs them  a long, long time!"
Wade

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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

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😀😀😀,  Yep, Buddy probably would not have tried, Woodchip. 

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this one is for valentines...just in case I don't get back on here in time. 

 

How did the tomato court the corn?
He whispered sweet nothings into her ear. 

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I cant dance at all , but the wife said I can do the Moon walk better than Michael Jackson when I step in dog  crap.!

  Regards Pete

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I Wonder if the  corvid 19  pandemic is the longest lasting export China has ever made !

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Posted (edited)

Will all the babies born in nine months be known as Coronials?

Edited by BigSkyGardener
Cant tipe or spel
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Disclaimer: All photographs uploaded here were taken for my own use. You do not see any weeds. It is you imagination.

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We were discussing what to eat during this pandemic.

Definitely Not Pork,- Swine Flu.  Can't eat Chicken- ,Bird Flu , Cant eat Beef, - Mad Cow Disease, Can't Eat Eggs, -Salmonella,  Can't Eat Fish -,Heavy Metal pollution in the water, Can't Eat Fruit or Veggies-, E.coli  Insecticide or herbicide contamination .

  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!,   I do believe that leaves " CHOCOLATE & ICE CREAM " So Don't be stressed about it   because if you spell  Stressed  backwards the answer is DESSERTS.

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A  very old  Mate of mine sent me this 

UK Virus  ALERT
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat  and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon,  though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit  Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when  tea supplies nearly ran out.
The virus has been re-categorized from  “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody  Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish  Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's  Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have  been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The  French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from  “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and  “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's  white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military  capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and  Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain:  “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have  increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and  Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and  “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only  threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish  are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully  designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good  look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert  level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels  remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The  barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final  escalation level.
The Russians have said “Its not us”                                                    

                                                                               regards Pete

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Irish Alzheimer's



 
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.  He'd never been  to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What  made ya come?"

 
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced  me hat and I really, really love that hat.  I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church  every Sunday.  I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would  leave it in the back of the church.  So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

 
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's  hat.  What changed your mind?"

 
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments  I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

 
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather  do without your hat than burn in hell, hey?"

 
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou  Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

Regards Pete

 

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